Recruitment can be heart breaking stuff.
It flirts with you, gives you a semi then sinks you quicker than the titanic.
Therefore, I get through my day by a blinkered positive approach to everything I do whilst humming old school noughty R&B tunes reminiscing over the pre-recruitment good life of Ja Rule, Choc Ices and pretending to be the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
I have summed up a typical heart breaking recruitment process below:
Erykah Badu – what’s your phone number?
First of all it starts with a cheeky LinkedIn message, or possibly a subtle elbow nudge at an event like a police man wrapping at your door with some questions “Hey there, how are you, whats your name, what do you do, how much do you earn, what’s your wife’s name, what’s your phone number? We can talk about this over a coffee, don’t worry nothing formal, just a chat about the market”. You know, That old chest nut.
G-Unit – Wanna get to know ya
Even better he/she has given you their company card. BOOM. We have their first name and second and they have even scribbled their person EMAIL address on it. The unicorn of all. This calls for one thing, Facebook stalkery. Holiday photos 2013, here we go.
50 Cent – Best Friend
Coffee? I meant beer. I meant a lot of beer. I meant a lot of beer on a Wednesday night with two of the company’s other recruiters present because nobody loves to do Business Development on a Wednesday night more than a Recruiter with a company credit card and a roof top bar! We pretend we don’t know how many kids or divorces they have had or what they had for dinner the previous night and begin referring to them as grotesque chummy things such as “Mate” and “buddy”. Little do they know, we also have just registered the PERFECT role for them today.
Miguel – Sure thing
Walking back into the office the next day with a Conor McGregor like swag, arms flying everywhere, winking at the directors saying “that candidate is a sure thing”. RED PANTY NIGHT BABY. But every good Recruiter knows that no thing is a sure thing so until they sign on the dotted line we promise to “love them like a brother, treat them like a friend.” It’s all about that aftercare.
The Artful Dodger – Movin’ too fast
Client has been well oiled. Candidate has been fed and watered. Interview arranged. Interview goes well. FANTASTIC. Or not. Candidate says he/she needs 2 weeks before he can properly think about it and “things are moving too fast” …. fml
Justin Bieber – What do you mean?
Then it comes to the beebs.
“What do you mean? When you nod your head yes but you wana say no, what do you mean? “…You’re so in decisive, what I’m saying, trying to catch the beat make up your heart, don’t no whether your happy or complaining…”
“Better make up your mind, what do you mean?”
You tell him Justin. You fricking tell him.
A$AP Rocky – F*ckin Problems
Utter confusion has set in and we are basically screwed.
Could have went with Jay Z -99 Problems on this one however now is not the time to boast about the “hottest chick in the game wearing our chain”. The sure thing” for hitting that Novembers commission bonus and incentive trip to Fiji is on the absolute brink of collapse. We are having Fu*king problems here. Time to dig deep and head for a “brain storming session” …..over 6 beers.
Mike Posner – Please Don’t Go
We get that dreaded call. Two weeks after he/she had the interview. Two sleepless weeks. Two weeks of cursing them up and down the office, they call us with something on the lines of their grandmother got ate by a Rottweiler and they just need some time to reflect. But being a recruiter who knows better than to lose out on a future good candidate, we simply say “don’t worry, we will get a beer soon” whilst subtly whispering under our tears “please don’t go”.
Anthony Hamilton – I’m A Mess
The title of this one says it all.
It’s November and everyone’s walking around with a fu**ing charity style moustache and we are here fighting the tears eating a half price two day old sausage roll thinking of what could have been.
I’m a mess.
Only as good as your next placement.
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